Online Spam-- This is NOT Scrabble

[Festngator]

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.
My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.

I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, " Don't cry, Mommy and " and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, Even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates Will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.

Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell.

What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freaking' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me.

I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,
Billy " Smiles " Evans

[stlbarb]

this is so wrong. i'm crying - from trying to hold back the laughter at w*rk.

[Rossvegas]

Hey Billy, it's truly sad that you don't have a body, but maybe you could team up with some dude out there looking for a little head?

[stlbarb]

Hey Billy, it's truly sad that you don't have a body, but maybe you could team up with some dude out there looking for a little head?

even wronger.

[Festngator]

I hate people who forward these hoax warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!

Send this warning to all of the men on your e-mail list!

If a young lady comes to your front door saying she is conducting a survey on Rocky Mountain ticks and asks you to take off your clothes, do not do it!

This is a scam; she only wants to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now!

[sophisticated sissy]

I'm going to be rich, rich, rich!!!!! I just received notification from an attorney in England that I am heir to $1,700,000 pounds. I'm totally thrilled!

[Belle]

If you do not respond within 1 hour all hell will break out!

[pokerchick66]

If you do not respond within 1 hour all hell will break out!

OMG, the kitty is dancing! :D

[pokerchick66]

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.
My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.

I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, " Don't cry, Mommy and " and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, Even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates Will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.

Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell.

What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freaking' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me.

I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,
Billy " Smiles " Evans

OMG, this is the funniest thing I have read all day. And that's saying something! :D

[glinda]

As a regular reader of the scrabble thread, just the title of this one cracked me up!

[Festngator]

poem written by Gene Ziegler
Bits Bytes Chips Clocks
Bits in bytes on chips in box.
Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
Chips in box on ether-docks.

Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come.

Look, sir. Look, sir. read the book, sir.
Let's do tricks with bits and bytes, sir.
Let's do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.

First, I'll make a quick trick bit stack.
Then I'll make a quick trick byte stack.
You can make a quick trick chip stack.
You can make a quick trick clock stack.

And here's a new trick on the scene.
Bits in bytes for your machine.
Bytes in words to fill your screen.

Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this by the clock, sir.

Clocks on chips tick.
Clocks on chips tock.
Eight byte bits tick.
Eight bit bytes tock.
Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say....

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort
then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause
the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless,
and your system's gunna crash.

You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.

If the label on the cable
on the table at your house
says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted
by the side-effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gunna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's
getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary risc,
then you have to flash your memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
quickly turn off your computer
and be sure to tell your mom!

[Festngator]

Date: 11-31-88 (24:60) Number: 32769
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: ROBERT MORRIS III Read: (N/A)
Subj: VIRUS ALERT Status: PUBLIC MESSAGE

Warning: There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than
anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line,
riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the
serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks
spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy,
West Dakota alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes.

It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac,
RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.

To prevent the spresd of the worm:

1) Don't use the powerline.
2) Don't use batteries either, since there are rumors that this
virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the
positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just
the negative pole.)
3) Don't upload or download files.
4) Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks.
5) Don't read messages. Not even this one!
6) Don't use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.
7) Don't use keyboards, screens, or printers.
8) Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or
mainframes.
9) Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat or
airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the
wheel.

I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this
virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic flui9ds of
our computers can be kept pure.

---RTM III

[sophisticated sissy]

Date: 11-31-88 (24:60) Number: 32769
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: ROBERT MORRIS III Read: (N/A)
Subj: VIRUS ALERT Status: PUBLIC MESSAGE

and the precious electronic flui9ds of
our computers can be kept pure.

---RTM III


Purity Of Essence? Where is Lt. Bat Guano when you really need him?

[Belle]

OMG, the kitty is dancing! :D


Carolina Beadhead is my new hero!! Rocking mama, that one! Muah baby!

[Festngator]

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will s cramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Be very, very afraid. PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!

[pokerchick66]

Hey Fest, where did you get the first one? Do you have a link for that or did you just make that up?

[Festngator]

http://www.hoax-slayer.com/humorous-hoaxes.html

Subject: FW: ***WARNING*** TO ALL DOG OWNERS!!!!!

WARNING TO ALL DOG OWNERS

Warning to all dog owners: Watch your dog!

The State Highway Patrol in conjunction with the FBI has issued a warning advising all dog owners to keep their dogs indoors until further notice. Dogs are being picked off one at a time on an almost continual basis throughout the city. They are falling in great numbers. Police in the city advise all dog owners not to walk their dogs - KEEP THEM INDOORS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!






http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/warning.jpg

[Festngator]

VIRUS WARNING
This virus warning is genuine.

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

[Festngator]

Subject: ATTENTION: NOTICE!!!
From: Wendy aka Classact <classact@avana.net>
Date: 2008/04/01
Message-Id: <199704011705.MAA18442@tiger.avana.net>
Newsgroups: alt.med.fibromyalgia


Important!
I'm passing this along to you in the event you didn't receive it
from other sources.


In my effort to keep everyone (especially the new people)
informed of internet administrivia:



To: All Internet Users

From: Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Subject: Internet Cleaning

PLEASE PASS THIS NOTICE TO OTHER USERS WHO MAY NOT SEE IT!

As many of you know, each year the internet must be shut down for 24

hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which
eliminates dead e-mail and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows
for a better-working and faster internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.
GMT on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2. During that
24-hour period, five very powerful Japanese built multi-lingual
internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274) situated around the
world will search the internet and delete any data that they
find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that
you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their
internet connections.

2. Shut down all internet servers, or disconnect them from the
internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the
internet.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the internet in any
way.

5. Avoid placing operating microwave ovens or toaster/toaster
ovens near your computer modem.

6. Avoid wearing nylon (or other dielectric fiber) undergarments
because of the possibility of electrical discharge.


We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some internet
users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any
inconvenience will be more than made up for by the increased speed and
efficiency of the internet, once it has been cleared of electronic
flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others: Since the last internet cleaning, the number
of internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in
alerting the public of the upcoming internet cleaning by posting
this message where your users will be able to read it. Please
pass this message on to other sysops and internet users as well.
Thank you.

[Festngator]

Some of us need this
http://www.absolution-online.com/confessional/

[Festngator]

Armed and dangerous - Flipper the firing dolphin let loose by Katrina

It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.
Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.

Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly.

Leo Sheridan, 72, a respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry, said he had received intelligence from sources close to the US government's marine fisheries service confirming dolphins had escaped.

'My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises. If divers or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they could fire,' he said. 'The darts are designed to put the target to sleep so they can be interrogated later, but what happens if the victim is not found for hours?'

Usually dolphins were controlled via signals transmitted through a neck harness. 'The question is, were these dolphins made secure before Katrina struck?' said Sheridan.

The mystery surfaced when a separate group of dolphins was washed from a commercial oceanarium on the Mississippi coast during Katrina. Eight were found with the navy's help, but the dolphins were not returned until US navy scientists had examined them.

Sheridan is convinced the scientists were keen to ensure the dolphins were not the navy's, understood to be kept in training ponds in a sound in Louisiana, close to Lake Pontchartrain, whose waters devastated New Orleans.

The navy launched the classified Cetacean Intelligence Mission in San Diego in 1989, where dolphins, fitted with harnesses and small electrodes planted under their skin, were taught to patrol and protect Trident submarines in harbour and stationary warships at sea.

Criticism from animal rights groups ensured the use of dolphins became more secretive. But the project gained impetus after the Yemen terror attack on the USS Cole in 2000. Dolphins have also been used to detect mines near an Iraqi port.

[Belle]

Some of us need this
http://www.absolution-online.com/confessional/

Calling Priestboy!!!! The Internet is way wacky

[Festngator]

ANNOUNCEMENT
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'
and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Festngator]

Hi there: I don't usually forward these, but I checked it out at Snopes.com and this is a legitimate site. All you need to do is visit and click to help get free food donated for abused and neglected animals. Thanks, Vicki





Subject: FW: Animal Rescue

Animal Rescue
Hi, all you animal lovers. This is pretty simple... Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute (how about 20 seconds) to go to their site and click on the purple box 'fund food for animals' for free. This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/

[Festngator]

http://www.spam.com/

http://www.cusd.claremont.edu/~mrosenbl/spam.html

http://www.ftc.gov/spam/

[tabasco]

http://www.spam.com/

OMG! the spam web site is so hilarious I want to go out and buy some!

[festbabe]

OMG! the spam web site is so hilarious I want to go out and buy some!

TFF - I've just wasted an hour playing Spamalot. I suck.

[Festngator]

Spam

Man: Morning.
Waitress: Morning.
M: Well, what you got?
W: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and
spam;
egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam,
bacon,
sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam,
sausage, spam, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato and spam; spam,
spam,
spam, egg and spam; (vikings start singing in background)
spam, spam,
spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and
spam.
Vikings: Spam, spam , spam, spam, lovely spam, lovely spam.
W (cont): or lobster thermador ecrovets with a bournaise sause,
served
in the purple salm manor with chalots and overshies, garnashed
with
truffle pate, brandy, a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam, egg, sausage and spam. That's not
got
much spam in it.
Wi: I don't want any spam!
M: Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
Wi: That's got spam in it.
M: It hasn't got as much spam in it as spam, egg, sausage and
spam has it?
Wi: (over vikings starting again) Could you do me egg, bacon,
spam and
sausage without the spam then?
Wa: Ech!
Wi: What do you mean ech! I don't like spam!
V: Lovely spam, wonderful spam....etc
Wa: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Bloody vikings. You can't have
egg, bacon
spam and sausage without the spam.
Wi: I don't like spam!
M: Sh dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it.
I'm
having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans,
spam,
spam, spam and spam. (starts vikings off again)
V: Lovely spam, wonderful spam...etc
Wa: Shut up! Baked beans are off.
M: Well, can I have her spam instead of the baked beans?
Wa: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam,
spam, spam, and spam?
V: Lovely spam, wonderful spam...etc...spam, spam, spam! (in
harmony)

http://pythonline.com/join_the_fun

[jtd7]

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.
My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. . . .

Musical Reference: Tom Waits, "Eyeball Kid"

[Festngator]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgUklKOI2Hg

[Festngator]

Got this today

"District Court Virus Warning"
One of our HCBA attorneys received a warning about a new virus scam using emailed fake subpoenas purportedly from the Federal District Court system.

Do not open any attachments to emails saying they are a subpoena from a Federal Court. The attachment may have a virus.

[Festngator]

http://www.phonelosers.org/mcdonalds/--- funny
and then this

Nearly half of British men surveyed would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV, a survey -- perhaps unsurprisingly carried out for a firm selling televisions -- said on Friday.

Electrical retailer Comet ... found 47 percent of men would give up sex for half a year, compared to just over a third of women.

"It seems that size really does matter more for men than women," the firm said....

and
http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/obay_1.jpg

[Festngator]

Museum displays big and small family jewels
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24648122/

The ORIGINAL Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products
ACME is a worldwide leader of many manufactured goods. From its humble beginnings providing corks and flypaper to bug collectors ("Buddy's Bug Hunt/1935") to its heyday in the American Southwest supplying a certain coyote, from Ultimatum Dispatchers to Batman outfits, ACME has set the standard for excellence.
For the first time ever, information and pictures of all ACME products, specialty divisions, and services featured in Warner Bros. cartoons (made by the original studio from 1935 to 1964) are gathered here, in one convenient catalog. For more information about any ACME product, simply click on the thumbnail picture

http://www.dumptrumpet.com/?v=4743

[Festngator]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/making_hash_browns.png

[Festngator]

'Wheel Of Fortune' Contestants Hit Hard As Vowel Prices Skyrocket
May 22, 2008

LOS ANGELES—Contestants on the television game show Wheel Of Fortune have been hit especially hard at the podiums in recent months due to skyrocketing vowel prices, which reached a record $600 last week. "I remember a time when you could get an 'e' for $250," 46-year-old contestant Samantha Means said after a Wednesday taping. "But as Wheel contestants, we've become so dependent on vowels to solve puzzles that the producers can get away with jacking up prices because they know we'll pay them. We need a legitimate vowel alternative, but I don't think we're ready for that. I know I'm not." According to Wheel Of Fortune show runner Charlie Clark, vowel prices are not likely to come down anytime soon unless America improves its standing in the Middle East.

[linza22]

Hey Billy, it's truly sad that you don't have a body, but maybe you could team up with some dude out there looking for a little head?


hahahaha! so wrong on so very many levels!

[Festngator]

Its a sick world Ross is a happy person

[Festngator]

From: Non-HP-theace11 (theace11@aol.com)
Sent: Saturday, June 08, 1996 10:04 AM
To: Non-HP-chymes (chymes@CREW.umich.edu)
Cc: Non-HP-theace11 (theace11@aol.com)
Subject: THATS NO HOAX11

Hm hm hm hm. Well, you know what you wrote about the "pitiful,terminally
ill kid"?? Well it's true!! Poor little 6-year-old Craig, sitting in
some hospital, while other kids his age are running and beating each
other up and playing soccer. He's dying, and he's only 6 years old, and
he wants to do *SOMETHING* important to be remembered after he's dead!
Have you checked out with the Make A Wish Foundation about this "hoax"?
Hmmm??? Well, you BETTER WRITE AN APOLOGY IN THE NEXT ISSUE!! Its
completely true! He's so sick that they set an August 96 deadline!!
Think, a little boy, sitting there, knowing he's going to die, probably
this summer! How do you feel that YOU probably ruined his chance of
getting the Guinness Book Of World Records?!?!?! I think you should
visit the Make A Wish Foundations Web site, personally and put the
address in the damn the Net mag, with a BIG BIG apology!!!!!!!
BTW, I'm sending a carbon copy of this to the NET mag itself, and the
Don't Spread That Hoax! Web site!!!!!
--
@cer
Proud Mac User!!

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/69064.jpg

[tabasco]

Here's some spam for you....

Free spam burgers! they actually weren't bad??? My kids loved them too! :)

http://i179.photobucket.com/albums/w315/IL0VEBEER/CopyofTexas2008042.jpg

[Festngator]

Love it picture is great

Spam Sales Rise as Food Costs Soar
By EMILY FREDRIX,AP
Posted: 2008-05-28 18:57:15

MILWAUKEE (May 28) - Love it, hate it or laugh at it - at least it's inexpensive.

The price of Spam is has risen along with other food items, with the average 12 oz. can costing about $2.62. But compared to other meat products, the pork meat in a can seems like a good alternative to some consumers.

Sales of Spam - that much maligned meat - are rising as consumers are turning more to lunch meats and other lower-cost foods to extend their already stretched food budgets.

What was once cheeky, silly and the subject of a musical (as Monty Python mocked the meat in a can), is now back on the table as people turn to the once-snubbed meat as costs rise, analysts say.

(For More- http://money.aol.com/news/articles/_a/spam-sales-rise-as-food-costs-soar/20080528164609990001)

[ozzie]

:D

[glinda]

Local TV news item about the increase in sales of Spam as a cheap food item last nite. Spam spam spam spam....

[festbabe]

Local TV news item about the increase in sales of Spam as a cheap food item last nite. Spam spam spam spam....

won-der-ful spam!!

[Festngator]

http://www.spamspamspamspam.co.uk/go/game/

[Festngator]

-------Original Message-------

From: Linda Hamblin
Date: 6/2/2008 12:51:31 PM
Subject: FW: Why did the chicken cross the road?




Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE!
The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken
to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But
then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the
road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of
the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid
he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before
adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having
the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a
part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he
can just drive across the road and not live his life like the
rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle
ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not
yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled
about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain
against it.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I
had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave
me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you
will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we
sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes
with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That
chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went
on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part
of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will
never cra...#@&&^(C% reboot.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[Festngator]

From Raymond Williams
C/O: Refugee camp-Abidjan
Republic Of Cote D'Ivoire.


Good day Dear One,

I know this mesage will come as surprise to you, though we've not met or see each other before but i believe this dive grace from God to help me Please do not ignore this my proposal to you but try to help me out. My name is Raymond Williams The son of (Late Chief Adam Williams) Who lost his life in the course of the crisis here in Cote D'ivoire on the 7th of November last year on his way to there company ( Nestle Food Plc) . My father willed in cash, the sum of $8.7 Million US Dollars which he deposited in a Fixed/Suspence account here in Abidjan Cote D'ivoire in west Africa, with enabling conditions for the release of the fund which are as follows:

(1) That I must be 22 years or above.


(2) That upon request for the release of the fund, there must be evidence of investment intentions especially outside the west africa,

3)The fund Must be transfered into a co-benefiiary account abroad I contact you therefore to confirm if you can absorb me in partnership in your company or possibly advise me on any investment opportunity in your country.

When I reach agreement with you, the bank will release my fund into an account that you shall nominate and I will come over to you to commence business partnership with you and the fund.

I expect your urgent response including your addresses, your telephone and fax number.

Thanks for expected cooperation.

My regards,
Raymond Williams.

[Festngator]

Subject: New Scam

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.


You need to check this out everybody!!!!

Invasion Of Privacy!!!
I just found this.
You can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet - including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was.. .picture, address and all! Maybe we should start up a petition or something protesting this.

What do you think? Go to the website and check it out. It's unbelievable!!!
Just enter your name, City and state to see if yours is on file.
CLICK HERE----->http://www.license.shorturl.com/

[Staxsun]

Wow, I found mine!

[NYMAMA]

Wow, I found mine!

me to I guess it was a bad hair day

[Festngator]

http://www.maniacworld.com/frozen-in-grand-central-station.html

[Festngator]

The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental
inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.
Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage.
Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and
possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.
For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global,
and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has
caused millions of dollars of property damage in the US.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done
to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is
extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution,
or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic
health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military
organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing
multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations.
Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a
highly sophisticated underground distribution network.
Many store large quantities for later use.

The Horror Must Be Stopped!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical.
What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world.
http://www.dhmo.org/

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/69044.jpg

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/image001.jpg
Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

[Festngator]

Hackers are deluging web users with malware-laden spam claiming that World War III has started following a US invasion of Iran.

Security experts warned today that spam emails with subject lines including ‘Third World War has begun’, ‘20000 US Soldiers in Iran’ and ‘US Army crossed Iran’s borders’ have been intercepted.

The emails contain links to a malicious webpage that displays what appears to be a video player showing the mushroom cloud of a nuclear explosion.

Text on the page reads: ‘Just now US Army’s Delta Force and US Air Force have invaded Iran. Approximately 20000 soldiers crossed the border into Iran and broke down the Iran’s Army resistance. The video made by US soldier was made today morning. Click on the video to see the first minutes of the beginning of World War III. God save us.’

However, Sophos warned that users visiting the webpage and clicking on the ‘video player’ run the risk of being infected with the Troj/Tibs-UO Trojan and a malicious JavaScript hidden on the website as Mal/ObfJS-AY.

[ohio]

This one is pretty funny:

Bush tours devastation he has wrought (http://www.buzzflash.com/articles/alerts/421)

[festbabe]

This one is pretty funny:

Bush tours devastation he has wrought (http://www.buzzflash.com/articles/alerts/421)

Fricking funny. "Evacuate to Canada to take refuge" Ha!

[Delta]

"Nubile teenage girl is obviously having sex with a leaf-nosed bat"

[Festngator]

Subj: HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?


I've tried this before, but I tried it again.

>> HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT
>> FOOT?
>>
>> You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not
>> believe this!!!
>> It is from an orthopedic surgeon............
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> This will boggle your
>> mind and you will keep you trying over and over again
>> to see if you can
>> outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
>>
>> It's pre-programmed in your
>> brain!
>>
>> 1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are
>> GOOFY......) and
>> while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift
>> your right foot
>> off the floor and make clockwise circles.
>>
>> 2. Now,
>> while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
>> hand. Your
>> foot will change direction.
>>
>> I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can
>> do about it! You and I both
>> know how stupid it is, but before the day is
>> done you are going to try it again,
>> if you've not already done
>> so.
>>
>> Send it to your friends to frustrate them too

[Festngator]

I have just been made aware of a new virus that arrives in your inbox as a message from UPS.

The message claims that the recipient of the email has a package that could not be delivered and is advised to open an attachment for more information. When you try to open the attachment, the virus infects your computer.

If you receive an email with an attachment from UPS in your email account, please delete it immediately. UPS does not send official notification messages with attachments.

If you receive a message from UPS and are unsure of its authenticity, please forward it to customer service@ups.com without opening the attachment.


SNOPES: http://www.Snopes.com/computer/virus/ups.asp

UPS: UPS Official Statement-- http://www.ups.com/content/us/en/about/news/service_updates/virus_us.html

[ohio]

Subj: HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?


I've tried this before, but I tried it again.

>> HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT
>> FOOT?
>>
>> You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not
>> believe this!!!
>> It is from an orthopedic surgeon............
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> This will boggle your
>> mind and you will keep you trying over and over again
>> to see if you can
>> outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
>>
>> It's pre-programmed in your
>> brain!
>>
>> 1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are
>> GOOFY......) and
>> while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift
>> your right foot
>> off the floor and make clockwise circles.
>>
>> 2. Now,
>> while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
>> hand. Your
>> foot will change direction.
>>
>> I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can
>> do about it! You and I both
>> know how stupid it is, but before the day is
>> done you are going to try it again,
>> if you've not already done
>> so.
>>
>> Send it to your friends to frustrate them too
I hate that!

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/imagetry.jpg

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/imagerock.jpg

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/image010.jpg

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/imagedont.jpg

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/amyno.jpg

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/upcoming_hurricanes.png

[Festngator]

Subject: FW: BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR - Only in America

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire' and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

ONLY IN AMERICA!

[Festngator]

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was blown off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory, but it was out of film.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Festngator]

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=184086&amp;title=sarah-palin-gender-card

[festivalgirl]

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=184086&amp;title=sarah-palin-gender-card

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=184097&title=bristol-palins-choice

[Festngator]

http://blog.wired.com/underwire/2008/09/lisanova.html

[Festngator]

Tribal style lower-back tattoos known as Arschgeweih, or “ass antlers” in Germany, were popular in the 1990s. But now a herd of Germans are stampeding to get them removed as they and other tattoos go out of fashion.


Pimp charged €210,000 for beating his whores (18 Sep 08)
Tiefensee calls for expansion of urban bike traffic (18 Sep 08)
Survey sees more porn changing German sex (18 Sep 08)
“The number of laser removals for tattoos has almost doubled in the last five years,” Heinz Bull, president of Germany's GÄCD plastic surgery association, told news agency DPA on Thursday. “Now young people who got tattoos on the spur of the moment want to have them removed.”

It's important for people looking to shed their inky antlers search for qualified doctors, because different ink tones require different lasers, Bull stressed.

Dermatologist Walter Trettel has laser clinics in Hamburg, Kiel and Preetz that each remove the names of old lovers and other unwanted markings for some 20 patients per week. “This costs about three to four times more than the original tattoo,” he said, adding that is also more painful than getting a tattoo. Removing “ass antlers” requires between six and ten sessions, which can cost between €100 and €300.

But today's laser removal is still gentler and more effective as earlier methods, Trettel said. “When I first began at the Kiel university clinic we would cut tattoos out or grind them down,” he said, adding that this often left large scars behind.

DPA/The Local (news@thelocal.de)

[Festngator]

F.B.I. Vs. Facebook

Yes, there are more important matters to worry about than Facebook's recent redesign -- namely, an e-mail with a message that says "F.B.I. vs. Facebook," which includes the above picture and has a link to download the Storm Worm botnet, that nasty piece of malware that connects infected computers and uses them for identity theft and spam. Make sure not to open any e-mail with this subject and make sure to delete it immediately. If you do accidentally open this e-mail, don't click on any lnks within it and delete it immediately. Lastly, before you open another e-mail, make sure you have some sort of anti-virus software installed.

CNN and MSNBC Alerts

Rather than stick with sensational headlines, swindlers are now manufacturing fake custom alerts from CNN and MSNBC that looks pretty legit at first glance. The subject line, as you can see from the screenshot above, says "CNN Alerts: My Custom Alert." If you click on "Full story," you'll be taken to a video player that tells you to download Adobe Flash, but instead turns out to be malware. The easiest solution is to delete it without opening it, but MXLab's Web site has more information on dealing with this nasty bit of e-mail.


The Hitman

We told you about the Hitman scheme a while back, but unfortunately, this old con is still going on, only with slight differences. The FBI sent out another warning a month ago, saying that now recipients are being threatened with kidnapping (instead of just killing), and that the new e-mails contain more personal information that fool some people into thinking it's a valid threat. The best solution to this e-mail? Just ignore it, but the FBI also encourages people to report any threatening messages they receive, which you can do via the FBI's Internet Crime Center.

Hurricane Charities

Sadly, disasters encourage scammers to prey on the charitable. Naturally, recent hurricanes Ike and Gustav spawned dozens of fake e-mails designed to rip you off. Pretty much every standard scheme has been repurposed for these storms, so check out the list of variations here. http://www.scambusters.org/hurricanescams2008.html

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/weinie.jpg

[Orleansnj]

that's FUNNY !! I spit diet coke all over my computer screen and the grant application that is due tomorrow- but it was COMPLETELY worth it.

thanks :)

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/buttofff.jpg

[OnlyASaintOnSunday]

WTFF....I would have loved that in my yard before I sold my last house! There is one in every Neighborhood!

[Festngator]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u133/Festngator/fest/assfamily.jpg

[ohio]

that's FUNNY !! I spit diet coke all over my computer screen and the grant application that is due tomorrow- but it was COMPLETELY worth it.

thanks :)
amazingly, you can buy these 'tools'
http://www.thegreenhead.com/2007/09/roast-my-weenie-ultimate-hot-dog-cooker.php

[Festngator]

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid271557392/bctid1842856410

I am posting this on several threads --- Oh Canada!

[Headless Hornman]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scrabble.png

[mamaroux]

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid271557392/bctid1842856410

I am posting this on several threads --- Oh Canada!

Ok, so they give you some Maple Syrup, but where the heck is the Crown Royal??? That's the hold up, ya know?

[ohio]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scrabble.png
trochils

Definition of trochil

1. n. The crocodile bird.

[festbabe]

trochils

Definition of trochil

1. n. The crocodile bird.

Well, yeah, but are you willing to give up a bingo to play the crocodile bird?

[jolie]

trochils

Definition of trochil

1. n. The crocodile bird.

Dammit!!.. this thread gets me every time.. The NOT Scrabble Thread has become THE scrabble thread.. maybe we'll get back to the REAL scrabble thread one day..:confused: ;) :cool:

[Headless Hornman]

trochils

Definition of trochil

1. n. The crocodile bird.

There's a more common bird name that can be played. I won't take credit for it; on the website you can mouse-over the comic and get a comment or alternate punchline from the artist:

http://xkcd.com

[Festngator]

keeping my head in the sand

[Festngator]

Maybe Bentley was a little groggy, or maybe just really wanted a cup of coffee, but the dog crashed a van into the front of the Cool Beanz coffee shop in St. James, N.Y. No criminal charges were filed against Bentley, whose owner left the dog in the van with the engine running. To Bentley's credit, no one was injured when the vehicle got knocked into drive, although some patio furniture is history.

[Festngator]

SANTA ANA, Calif. -- California authorities got a shock of their own when they discovered that a drunken driving suspect they had just stunned with a Taser was completely naked.

Santa Ana police said the naked man was pulled over by police Wednesday night after his van hit a car.

Police Commander Stephen Colon said a driver alerted officers to the van that had just hit his car. He said the driver was fumbling in the front seat and refused to put his hands up.

Policed used a stun gun on his head and neck and then saw he was completely naked.

Colon said the man, whose name was not released, was being tested for drugs or alcohol.

[narleykiwi]

I'm waiting for the scam lady!

[Festngator]

http://www.weldedart.com/pages/threadheads.htm

[Festngator]

http://www.flixxy.com/technology-and-education-2008.htm

[Festngator]

We never thought it would come to this, but you can get green with your golden. The NoPoPo battery, a rechargable battery from Aqua Power System, runs on beer, apple juice, cola, saliva and urine. Yes, urine.

The system works with a basic chemical reaction between magnesium and carbon. If you want to try one out (with soda, please use soda) you can buy it for $15.

NoPoPo stands for Non-Pollution Power, though we might suggest that many folks would consider urine "pollution," especially if you are out on a sidewalk refilling your battery

[Festngator]

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So , there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
Little things just seem funny?
Yeah , well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car , looked up at me , and shouted ,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So , I looked down at him and said , 'Well , then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter , for some reason , took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak , medium rare , please.'
He said , 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah , she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....

****

A woman is standing nude , looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband ,
'I feel horrible; I look old , fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies , 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

[swag]

http://gearmedia.ign.com/gear/image/article/949/949442/zombie2_1233277670.jpg

An Austin road sign meant to warn motorists about road conditions instead read: "The end is near! Caution! Zombies ahead!"

Vandals broke off a lock on the sign in central Austin early Monday and then hacked into the computer to change the words, said Sara Hartley, a city spokeswoman.

When they were done, the sign read: “The end is near! Caution! Zombies ahead! Run for cold climate!”

Before leaving, the vandals reset the password so the city could not easily change the sign. The sign's humorous warning stayed up for several hours before the manufacturer of the computer could reset the password.

Austin officials aren’t taking the spoof lightly, noting it is a criminal act.

“The sign’s content was humorous, but the act of changing it wasn’t,” Hartley said.

Austin police are investigating the situation, and the vandals could face a Class C misdemeanor charge of tampering with a road sign, Hartley said.

It is the first time Hartley said she has had heard of the stunt.

City officials speculate that the units were hacked by a local computer expert who broke into the access panels, changed the passwords and then were rerouted the systems to display five different zombie messages. The sign manufacturing company had to be brought in to override the hacker's work.

The city is happy to report that no zombies have since been seen in the area, but did offer up any advice in case next time the warnings turn out to be real: "Shoot 'em in the head". Ok, that's a line from a movie, but you get the idea. Now pardon us, we have to go shotgun shopping with Bill, Zoey and Francis.

[MaloGator]

http://gearmedia.ign.com/gear/image/article/949/949442/zombie2_1233277670.jpg

An Austin road sign meant to warn motorists about road conditions instead read: "The end is near! Caution! Zombies ahead!"

Vandals broke off a lock on the sign in central Austin early Monday and then hacked into the computer to change the words, said Sara Hartley, a city spokeswoman.

When they were done, the sign read: “The end is near! Caution! Zombies ahead! Run for cold climate!”

Before leaving, the vandals reset the password so the city could not easily change the sign. The sign's humorous warning stayed up for several hours before the manufacturer of the computer could reset the password.

Austin officials aren’t taking the spoof lightly, noting it is a criminal act.

“The sign’s content was humorous, but the act of changing it wasn’t,” Hartley said.

Austin police are investigating the situation, and the vandals could face a Class C misdemeanor charge of tampering with a road sign, Hartley said.

It is the first time Hartley said she has had heard of the stunt.

City officials speculate that the units were hacked by a local computer expert who broke into the access panels, changed the passwords and then were rerouted the systems to display five different zombie messages. The sign manufacturing company had to be brought in to override the hacker's work.

The city is happy to report that no zombies have since been seen in the area, but did offer up any advice in case next time the warnings turn out to be real: "Shoot 'em in the head". Ok, that's a line from a movie, but you get the idea. Now pardon us, we have to go shotgun shopping with Bill, Zoey and Francis.

What's that in the road ahead?

What's that in the road? A head?

:D

[festbabe]

http://gearmedia.ign.com/gear/image/article/949/949442/zombie2_1233277670.jpg



TFF! I snorted out loud.

[Festngator]

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."W

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"


"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."


"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

[swag]

Another classic from Craigslist:
http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/m4w/1039266988.html

[Festngator]

Judging from an informal survey of the online Ultimate Strip Club List, there are more than 2,700 strip clubs in the United States. And enough money flows through these clubs that the Federal Reserve has taken notice, but not because of anything illegal.

...
Strip clubs nationwide have started giving two-dollar bills as change, a noteworthy new trend because few places other than strip clubs order the bills from their banks. The volume of cash transactions in strip clubs has begun to have a unique and trackable effect. According to Reuters (Nov. 6, 2006), depository institutions ordered $122 million in the unusual currency in 2005 alone. That's more than double the average yearly order between 1991 and 2000. The Federal Reserve first spotted the spike in 2001, when $92 million in orders for the two-dollar bill were processed. The numbers have continued climbing.

What gave strip clubs nationwide the idea to use the two-dollar bill as change? The answer might lie in Dallas, home to more than 20 strip clubs, several of them nationally recognized. At Baby Dolls Dallas, giving change in two-dollar bills is a 15-year-old tradition. Most people in Dallas assume that if you have a pocketful of two-dollar bills, you've been to Baby Dolls. This reputation impels men to rid themselves of the pesky bills before they leave the club, which leaves the workers in the club a little flusher.

Customers often handle the bills with disdain and get rid of them by overtipping waitresses, and not just because of their association with strip clubs; the unusual denomination also makes it hard for them to do the math while they're drinking. A man who would never dream of tipping a stage dancer two one-dollar bills will quickly hand over one or two two-dollar bills. He doesn't see them as 'real' money because they look different and aren't in common circulation. For their part, club workers may groan about the awkwardness of using the bills in a store (the currency often stumps clerks), but that doesn't stop them from accepting them as tips.

[ohio]

Another classic from Craigslist:
http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/m4w/1039266988.html
O M G !

[Apostrophe (')]

Another classic from Craigslist:
http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/m4w/1039266988.html

Hahahahahahaha, very few things make me laugh out loud from print, but that made me laugh so hard I had to walk away from the keyboard for a few minutes. Absolutely in tears over here. Thanks, I needed that :D

[Headless Hornman]

Sorry for putting scrabble in the spam thread again...

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/02/22/official-scrabble-wo.html

http://www.boingboing.net/images/dildoscrabbb.jpg

[Dancing Don]

But it is all too funny

[Lit]

Another classic from Craigslist:
http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/m4w/1039266988.html

Well, if you liked that, then you gotta see this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUdHMkE5Qdk&feature=related

Maybe there is something in the water in Vegas?

[Festngator]

Cross your legs! 'Pay to pee' on airlines is definitely coming
Jason Cochran
Mar 6th 2009 at 2:30PMText SizeAAAFiled under: Ripoffs and Scams, Transportation, Travel, Recession

Put a cork in it: Ryanair's discourteous CEO, Michael O'Leary, stood up during a press conference in Dublin Thursday and confirmed that yes, indeed, he's going to start charging passengers when they need to go to the bathroom.

The so-called "wee fee" is no longer under consideration; it's in development. O'Leary has asked Boeing to design toilets that won't work unless you swipe a credit card first. So not only will you have to pay to pee, you'll have to do it on credit.

"Eventually it's going to happen. It's just we can't do it at the moment because we don't have a mechanism for charging you," said the Irish sadist.

[swag]

Video surveillance thwarts illegal sale of crawfish, Kenner police say

It was a mudbug deal gone bad.

Jonathan Q. Edgerson, 19, from River Ridge, was booked on Sunday with theft after he was caught on video -- both cell phone video and the business' video surveillance -- stealing a 40-pound bag of live crawfish from his employer and selling it to two men waiting outside the building, according to the business owner and a Kenner Police Department arrest report.

The street value of the crawfish: $84, said Kenner Police Department spokesman Brian McGregor.

It was Edgerson's third day of work at Fisherman's Cove and Harbor Seafood and Oyster Bar and he was supposed to be dumping trash in the dumpster at 5:10 p.m. when a customer caught him giving a garbage bag to two men in exchange for money, according to owner Dave Robinson.

That customer presented the cell phone video to a manager who combed through video surveillance inside the store to find Edgerson putting the crawfish bag into the garbage bag, McGregor and Robinson said.

Robinson said Edgerson was responding to a man in the back parking lot who offered Harbor Seafood employees money for crawfish. That man drove away in a black Avalanche, Robinson said.

Edgerson, who was fired for the incident, was booked on a misdemeanor theft charge and released from Kenner's jail on Sunday on $519 bond. His court date in Kenner Mayor's Court is May 20. He could not be reached for comment.

http://blog.nola.com/news_impact/2009/03/medium_crawfish.jpg

http://www.nola.com/news/index.ssf/2009/03/video_surveillance_thwarts_ill.html

[stlbarb]

i wonder if it was a PETA rescue?

[Festngator]

Giant lobster takes over U.S. 1 in the Florida Keys


Betsey the giant lobster rolls down U.S. 1 in the Florida Keys Friday morning. The larger-than-life facsimile measures 30 feet tall and 40 feet long. She was being moved to her new home in front of an artists village after refurbishment.



The giant lobster of Plantation Key found its new home Friday morning in the Florida Keys. Betsey, who stands three stories tall, is now out in front of the Rain Barrel Artisan Village shopping complex at mile marker 86.7 of U.S. 1.

Betsey is made of metal and fiberglass. She is a detailed, biologically accurate depiction of a female spiny lobster.

Betsey's new home is directly across U.S. 1 from her longtime perch at Treasure Village, a former shopping complex that has converted to a school. The statue was disassembled and removed from public view for refurbishment and possible sale last year, and at one point had a list price of $400,000.

"The giant lobster and Lorelei mermaid are the local tourism icons," said Judy Hull, Islamorada Chamber of Commerce executive director. "When tourists come into our visitor center, we get the question: 'What's the story of the giant lobster?'"

The story began with artist Richard Blaze, then living in Marathon. He used his fiberglass skills to create dinosaurs and other statuary, primarily for miniature golf courses.

Blaze was commissioned by a restaurant to create the giant lobster, but the business shuttered before the lobster was unveiled. The late Tom Vellanti then acquired the giant lobster for display at his Treasure Village complex.

Betsey has appeared on television shows and in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

A Web site on roadside attractions declares Islamorada's giant lobster to be the largest non-inflatable crustacean statue in America.

[Festngator]

GOSHEN — Even after the outrage of the giant inflatable penis, the Vaccaros wanted to look the other way.

But after a woman was gruesomely mauled by a chimp in Connecticut last month, they couldn’t stay silent any longer.

This is a classic story of neighbors having a falling out, an arrest and an illegal pet macaque.

It all started about a year ago when the Vaccaros moved to Upper Magic Circle Drive, next door to Carey and Angie Chase and their pet monkey.

They got along at first, but the couples clashed over a minor business dealing and the relationship cooled.

But instead of benign neglect, there was some tit-for-tat, including the placement of a three-foot-tall phallus on the Chases’ deck.

“It was the blow-up penis that threw me over the edge,” Vaccaro said.

Vaccaro said he and his wife didn’t want to escalate the drama, but they’d seen Angie scuffed up with claw marks and the macaque once went after their dog. They worried for the safety of their three-year-old son.

The war of words turned ugly, so the Vaccaros called the cops.

Goshen police and Department of Environmental Conservation officials visited the Chase house, but were not allowed inside. Goshen town Sgt. Allen Faust said they can’t get a search warrant because Vaccaro hasn’t seen the macaque recently. But Carey Chase was charged this week on a harassment violation for allegedly making threats against the Vaccaros.

Vaccaro snapped photos of the monkey while it frolicked on the jungle gym in his back yard, but the Chases deny they have a macaque.

“What monkey?” Angie Chase said. “We don’t have a monkey. Please don’t call here again.”

Aside from humans, macaques are the world’s most populous primate. They are known carriers of the Herpes B virus and belong to the genus Macaca, the puzzling slur uttered by former U.S. Sen. George Allen in 2006 during his unsuccessful re-election campaign.

A DEC spokeswoman said the agency is investigating, but even though pet primates have been illegal in the state since 2005, the Chases could keep the macaque.

The state allows those who owned a primate before 2005 to keep it until it dies, and because finding proper homes for the animals is difficult, the DEC will occasionally let scofflaws keep their monkeys.
If it does, Vaccaro thinks his family will be in even more danger. Until now, he said, the Chases have rarely let the macaque out of the house.

“The Chases were semi-secretive about the monkey,” he said. “Now that they know the DEC is not going to take the monkey, what’s to keep them from having it outside more?”

[Festngator]

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

The road to success is always under construction

[Festngator]

Woman to 911: Help! I'm locked inside my car
Amy L. Edwards | Sentinel Staff Writer
9:45 AM EDT, April 1, 2009
A 911 dispatcher had to tell a woman how to unlock her car on Sunday.

A woman called Kissimmee police to say she was locked inside her car at the Walgreen's on John Young Parkway near Poinciana.

"My car will not start. I'm locked inside my car," the unidentified woman said.

"Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well."




The woman said she would try, and then, she said, "Yes, I got the door open."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrt2q6Mpeyc

[Festngator]

America Offline
[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.

[mcmaclean]

I'm crying in my beer.
Ahhh, an Abita at last

[Festngator]

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Dean Martin

"I drink to make other people interesting."George Jean Nathan


"I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy."
Tom Waits

"Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don't know where the bathroom is." Billy Carter

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
Dylan Thomas

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol."

[janey815]

haha..

[Festngator]

Not for the faint of heart






ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .

WHAT THE H+LL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE H+LL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Festngator]

MONTREAL, May 5 (UPI) -- A Montreal musician who, for more than two years, ignored a ticket for feeding a squirrel in a park documented the case with the release of "Squirrelgate."

The saga wound down Monday when a municipal court judge gave blues musician Bruce Kert four months to pay a $50 fine for tossing a peanut to a squirrel in the borough of Westmount on Sept. 14, 2006, The Gazette newspaper reported.

Westmount has the no-feeding bylaw to discourage the spread of vermin.

Kert, who is also a bicycle repairman, told the newspaper that because he missed several court dates, the original $40 fine had risen to $455. He said he didn't know why it was reduced to $50 at Monday's hearing. He also complained he wasn't first given a warning by the public safety officer who ticketed him, but the judge said that was irrelevant, the report said.

Kert said he has since stopped feeding squirrels, but expresses his frustration in the "Squirrelgate" song on the Soundclick.com Web site. It can be heard at http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=934743.

[Festngator]

http://beerlabels.com/labels/labels.pl/3402/polygamy-porter.html

[Festngator]

Sometimes, defendants do the darndest things
Saturday, May 02, 2009
By Daniel Malloy, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Timothy Lee Williams' lawyer, Frank C. Walker II, stood next to him, powerless.

He had advised Mr. Williams not to testify, but his client didn't listen.

"All I really wanted to do was express myself," the defendant began, launching into an incoherent diatribe about his life and the circumstances surrounding a Hill District homicide.

His testimony Tuesday -- during which Mr. Williams, 40, admitted to the killing and revealed that he was a "swinger" with 17 girlfriends -- sealed his first-degree murder conviction.

.

Mr. Elash said he once went to visit a client in state prison and asked to be locked in a cell with him. He then stared down his client for 15 minutes in silence to show that he wasn't intimidated by the client's bluster.

"I'm a little bigger than most and a little crazier than most, so the physical and psychological effect of this probably wouldn't be the same for other attorneys," Mr. Elash said.

If the distrust becomes so bad that lawyer and client can't form a decent working relationship, then they part ways. Attorneys can petition to withdraw from a case or, more often, a client will elect to fire the lawyer.

Curt Kosow, the former owner of a Strip District strip club who faced tax evasion charges in federal court, was prolific in that regard. Mr. Kosow fired 11 different attorneys and finally represented himself at trial.

"[U.S. District Judge Arthur J. Schwab] ruled he had effectively waived his right to counsel because he'd been so uncooperative with the many attorneys he'd hired and fired," said Patrick K. Nightingale, who was appointed to sit with Mr. Kosow during the trial as standby counsel to help him if needed.

Mr. Kosow's performance at his 2007 trial was, in Mr. Nightingale's words, "the weirdest thing any of us had ever seen." He introduced bizarre conspiracy theories of why the government was prosecuting him and attempted suicide before the jury convicted him of eight tax-related counts.

Mr. Williams, the homicide defendant, made it through only two lawyers. He fired veteran public defender Christopher Patarini, resulting in the appointment of Mr. Walker. Mr. Williams tried to fire Mr. Walker mid-trial, but Allegheny County Common Pleas Judge Randal B. Todd wouldn't allow it.

Mr. Walker's defense rested on the fact that Mr. Williams' girlfriend had been cheating on him with the victim, 30-year-old Kenneth Woods. Mr. Walker argued that it was a passion killing and asked for a voluntary manslaughter verdict.

Standing before Judge Todd in the nonjury proceeding, Mr. Williams swiftly torpedoed Mr. Walker's argument by saying the girlfriend meant little to him because they were in an open relationship. He said he knew about several more homicides, but he would never snitch. He said he wrote raps and poetry and he had been close to signing a $1 million contract before his arrest.

And Mr. Williams admitted to the killing but said police "sabotaged" a surveillance video that captured the shooting.

Assistant District Attorney Rob Schupansky, who could barely contain his glee, was brief in his cross-examination.

"Did you shoot Kenneth Woods on the 16th of June, 2008?"

"Yes," Mr. Williams replied.

After Judge Todd delivered the first-degree murder verdict, Mr. Williams piped up, insisting that his counsel was ineffective.

"I think if I assigned you Johnnie Cochran, you would still be dissatisfied," Judge Todd said, referring to the lawyer who represented O.J. Simpson in a double homicide trial. "You insisted, against [Mr. Walker's] advise, to testify and that hurt your case quite a bit, do you understand that?"

Mr. Williams replied, "Yes, I do."

[Festngator]

Lifted (stolen) from MDFest's email
Lessons from Mom
My mom taught me about..
..how to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
..RELIGION.."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
..TIME TRAVEL.."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
..LOGIC.."Because I said so, that's why."
..FORESIGHT.."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
..IRONY.."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
..the SCIENCE of OSMOSIS.."Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."
..CONTORTIONISM.."Will you look at the dirt on your neck!"
..STAMINA.."You'll sit there until all that spinach is eaten."
..WEATHER.."It looks as if a tornado swept through your room!"
..HIPOCRISY.."If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"
..the CIRCLE OF LIFE.."I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
..BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.."Stop acting like your father!"
..ENVY.."There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you!"
..ANTICIPATION.."Just wait until we get home!"
..RECEIVING.."You are going to get it when we get home!"
..MEDICAL SCIENCE.."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way!"
..THINKING AHEAD.."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
..WISDOM of AGE.."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And the best one ever..JUSTICE.."One day you'll have kids, and they'll be just like you!"

[Festngator]

LONDON, England (CNN) -- Charging chesty women more for their bras doesn't win a lot of support, British retailer Marks & Spencer acknowledged Friday as it announced an end to the surcharge on its larger lingerie.


Marks & Spencer have apologised for charging chesty women more for bras.

"We boobed," screamed a full-page Marks & Spencer ad, which appeared in British newspapers Friday.

Marks & Spencer gave in to campaigners who argued that the higher prices of the bigger bras was unfair. The retailer charged as much as £2 ($3) more for all sizes DD and up.

"It's true that our fantastic quality larger bras cost more money to make, and we felt it was right to reflect this in the prices we charged," the ad said. "Well, we were wrong."

It follows a nearly year-long campaign by members of the Facebook group Busts 4 Justice.

The women behind the site argued other chain retailers didn't charge extra for bigger sizes, so Marks & Spencer shouldn't, either. And it pointed out that the store doesn't charge extra for larger sizes of clothing, so it shouldn't charge more for larger undergarments. What's your view?

"We would like to thank everyone who has supported us on this issue; especially the thousands of brilliant, busty women that have joined forces with us. We couldn't have done this without you," the two administrators of the group, Becky Mount and Beckie Williams, posted Friday on Facebook.

"Busts 4 Justice remain committed to making things better for busty women on the high street, but for now we're happy just to be able to encourage all ladies to reward themselves and their boobs with some properly fitted, fairly priced lingerie."

Marks & Spencer is a stalwart British chain, known for classic wardrobe staples and low prices. Its underwear department is the first stop for many British shoppers and is especially famous for reliable basics.

And to give customers an added lift, Marks & Spencer also announced it is cutting the prices of all of its bras by 25 percent for the rest of May.

"I think even though we all obviously held a bit of a grudge against buying our bras from M&S we should really be grateful they got rid of the surcharge and have given us the super generous 25 percent off," Mount wrote on the group's site Friday. "They may get cleared out by the time the weekend is over!"
and on facebook
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=18589103563

[Festngator]

Sad News With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
It is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
the age of 84. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble
started.

[Festngator]

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala .

If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

If you pay your credit cards off or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to ball games, or spending it on prostitutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only American businesses still operating in the US .