joke of the day....polish women are tough

[bywterbro]

Subject: Polish Women Are Tough

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

[PaulC]

Very good joke,.. sent it to a few of our Polish friends...we have more than a few married Polish couples as friends,..all who have been in this country less than 10 years... As we have witnessed many a time,.. and as their husbands readily acknowledge with their steady diet of eye rolling,.. Polish woman really are tough... and generally much easier on my eyes than theirs...

Here's a clean one for ya':

Last year we replaced all the windows in our house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and just yesterday, we got a call from the contractor who installed them. My wife took the call and said that he was quite upset and complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and he still hadn't been paid for them.

Well helloooo, just because my wife is blonde doesn't mean that she is automatically stupid. She told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told us last year, ....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! She reminded him that it's been a year!

She told me that there was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally just hung up.... He never called back. Guess she won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.................

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15 reasons Hillary shouldn't run.....

Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. *

*Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else." *

Jay Leno


*"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." *

Jay Leno


*"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it." *

Conan O'Brien


*"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan . Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk." *

Jay Leno


*"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank." *

Jay Leno


*"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." *

Jay Leno


*"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton 's former business partners can vote for her in 2008." *

Jay Leno


*"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." *

Craig Kilborn


*"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." *

Jay Leno


*"In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said "I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air. No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." *

David Letterman


*"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States . Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." *

David Letterman


*"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." *

Jay Leno


*"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." *

Craig Kilborn


*"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America . Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." *

Jay Leno


*"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York . When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . . **
**the one with only seven commandments."*

- -David Letterman

[Belle]

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please
be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with
me.

Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
...he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it.

Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ... God I miss
him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "But why?"

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"...
"This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

[Zydekitten]

"Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law." --Jay Leno

"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." --Seth Meyers

"President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. President Bush says he's gonna miss listening to Tony Blair, because when he closes his eyes, Blair sounds just like C3PO." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, a group of Republican congressmen asked President Bush what his 'Plan B' is if the current Iraq plan doesn't work. The 'Plan B' discussion was difficult for Bush, because it involves two areas where he's extremely vulnerable -- Iraq and the alphabet." --Conan O'Brien

"Prime Minister Tony Blair of England just announced that he will step down next month, which means that President Bush is going to lose his closest foreign ally. Bush was sad, and said, 'Now, the only foreign leader I can trust is Arnold Schwarzenegger.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last night in this state of California, the first Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from President Bush. Apparently, the first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library"--Conan O'Brien

"This is the week that Congress sent the president a bill to bring the troops home, which, of course, as he promised he would do, vetoed it. The president said setting a deadline for withdrawal was setting a date for failure. And we all know, this is a president who likes his failures unplanned and spur-of-the-moment." --Bill Maher

"Congress has finally passed a bill that requires troops to start leaving Iraq. ... Bush has not had a challenge like this since Laura poured his Wild Turkey down the toilet." --Bill Maher

"Sanjaya has quite a weekend ahead of him. He's going to the White House Correspondents' dinner on Saturday night, which means there's a really good chance he will meet President Bush. It's crazy to think that a guy who did not get the most votes, who's not good at what he does, is famous despite the fact that he is consistently horrible, would get the chance to go to the White House and meet Sanjaya." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher

"President Bush has big April Fools' Day plans. He's going to call Alberto Gonzales and tell him he's doing a heckuva a job." --David Letterman

"At a Washington museum, a new exhibit is about to open that features a first-grade report card of President Bush's where he received straight A's. This sounds impressive, but President Bush was 23 at the time." --Conan O'Brien

"Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher

"The president is ... on a five-nation tour of Latin America. A lot of people are saying while he's below the border, what a great time to build that wall." --Bill Maher

"To give you an idea of how popular he is not ... in South America, he's going to visit on Monday the sacred Mayan ruins, and after he leaves the Mayan priests are going to perform a purification ceremony to get rid of the bad spirits. And if it works there, they're going to try it in Iraq, New Orleans, Guantanamo Bay, Ground Zero and the atmosphere of the planet Earth." --Bill Maher

"Things getting very nasty in Washington. Today the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is 'the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history.' The White House said, 'You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The House passed a non-binding resolution against the surge. Bush says he can't wait to get it to his imaginary desk and veto it with his air pen. He said, 'I've got my own non-binding resolution. It's called the United States Constitution.'" --Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word -- 'intelligence.' ... When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush's head exploded." --Conan O'Brien

"In 2036, an asteroid is going to hit Earth. ... Talk about pressures for President Bush. The question President Bush has been asking himself all day is 'Where is Superman?'" --David Letterman

"Former Clinton adviser Dick Morris said, 'Hillary Clinton will be the next president, but she'll be the worst president we've ever seen.' After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet.'" --Conan O'Brien

“A total now of eight people have announced that they want to be president. It's George Bush's fault. He has lowered the standard." --David Letterman

"As it does every year, this State of the Union matches up two bitter rivals: the president of the United States and words." --Jon Stewart

"Seriously, the stakes are very high. And in this high stakes game, the president of the United States made one simple request [on screen: Bush asking Americans to give the new Iraq strategy a chance]. He's right. Everyone deserves a seventh chance." --Jon Stewart, on Bush’s State of the Union address

[PaulC]

Great stuff kitten,.. and all so sadly true.....

I posted jokes about Hillary,.. someone who can defend herself,.. and has had to each and every day as the Ditto heads continue their 15 years of attacks... You went after a mental invalid....

More sad truth...

The Pentagon briefed the President this morning. They told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq...

To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears... Finally he composed himself and asked,..

"So many brave young men and women lost.... Hey folks,. can somebody please tell me just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

[Belle]

Great stuff kitten,.. and all so sadly true.....

I posted jokes about Hillary,.. someone who can defend herself,.. and has had to each and every day as the Ditto heads continue their 15 years of attacks... You went after a mental invalid....

More sad truth...

The Pentagon briefed the President this morning. They told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq...

To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears... Finally he composed himself and asked,..

"So many brave young men and women lost.... Hey folks,. can somebody please tell me just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"


Did you write this stuff? If you did~ good stuff, if you didn't good stuff still;)

[dumbtourist]

thanks thanks thanks!!! GS!

[Zydekitten]

Great stuff kitten,.. and all so sadly true.....

I posted jokes about Hillary,.. someone who can defend herself,.. and has had to each and every day as the Ditto heads continue their 15 years of attacks... You went after a mental invalid....

More sad truth...

The Pentagon briefed the President this morning. They told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq...

To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears... Finally he composed himself and asked,..

"So many brave young men and women lost.... Hey folks,. can somebody please tell me just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"
True, he's not adequately equipped to fight a battle of wits . . . but I figure it's his just rewards for giving my grandfather fits in prep school (my mother's father was the Dean of Students there and had several "talks" with Dubya). ;)

Great Brazilian joke, Big Kahuna!!! Mahalo for the laugh! :)